My Ritz Cracker addiction

Hi, my name is Stay-in-Bed Mom, and I’m a Ritz Crackers addict. It’s been six days since I ate my last sleeve.

O, golden rounds, how I love thee. Your supremely delicious disks of glory are a delight to behold. I admit I’m powerless over you. Ritz Crackers, your seductive scalloped edges sing a siren song. Mom life is unmanageable without your buttery goodness. One taste is “a bite of the good life.”

Ever noticed how the word crack is in Ritz Crackers? You are a drug to me, Ritz Crackers. You’re just so darn addicting, and I can never get enough. I start grinding my teeth whenever I see your signature red box in our kitchen pantry.

Rather than admit I have a problem, I’ve tried a few strategies to hide my addiction from my husband.

1. Pay for Ritz Crackers with cash. We share bank and credit card accounts, so I don’t want him to know about my little indiscretion.
2. Eat Ritz Crackers over the kitchen sink or, if I’m daring, a very large bowl in my bed to hide the crumbly evidence. I like to turn off the lights and eat as fast as possible.
3. Stomp on the red box and bury it deep in the recycling bin.
4. Cry in the corner.
5. Put on a happy face.

After a recent Ritz Crackers bender, I woke up the next morning with a parched throat. I wondered what I felt more acutely – my insatiable thirst or my indefatigable self loathing. Then, I thought maybe it’s time for a Ritz Crackers detox.

What can I do to break free of my Ritz addiction?

I have my own five step program, adopted and adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous’s Twelve Steps.

The first step is to admit I have a problem and am powerless over Ritz Crackers.

The second step is to identify triggers and avoid them.

Sometimes the incessant whining, nonsensical crying spells, and head banging episodes of my two littles become too much for me. With each head butt, another buttery disk disappears into my hungry mouth. With each shriek, another crumbled sleeve goes into my garbage can. It’s better to eat another cracker than to raise my voice in anger. What stressors bring on the Ritz feeding frenzy?

The binges can happen if…

• My little sweethearts have been cooped up all day
• My little imps refuse to eat at mealtime
• My little poppets, one or both, skip nap time (which means no stay-in-bed time!)
• My little darlings are finally in bed after an epic power struggle
• I’m hungry/thirsty, tired, sick, or bored!

The third step is to rid my home, workplace, car, etc. of the offending substance.

It’s such a great relief to finish the box and purge my house of Ritz…that is until the next time. I’m not going to lie, they’ll always be a next time. They’ll always be a reason to buy more Ritz. I suppose that means I’m not truly ready to break free of my addiction…not yet.

The fourth step is to be honest with my partner and loved ones about my addiction. Enough with the lies.

Here are a few fibs I’ve told myself about why our household needs Ritz Crackers.

• My son will starve if we don’t buy them.(Before you guffaw, I tried the Whole Wheat Ritz first!)

• My son won’t learn his numbers. (The cracker has seven holes by the way.)
• My son won’t learn his shapes. (The circular cracker’s holes form a hexagon shape.)

• My son will never learn to eat new foods like peanut butter or sliced cheese.

The fifth and final step is admitting that recovery is a lifelong process.

Maybe someday soon I’ll gain Ritz sobriety. Until then, give me every Fresh Stack you got.

A Final Thought – From the Pillow

“Life’s rich” with Ritz Crackers and with children.

So doesn’t every parent deserve a little decadence, a little taste of luxury from time to time? As long as your habit isn’t hurting you or someone else, go for it!

But if your dependency makes you feel bad, then find something that makes you feel good. The best way to overcome a bad habit is to replace it with a better one. Remember my manta, “happy mom [dad], happy baby.”

Do you have a secret addiction? What’s your favorite snack to eat in bed?